turmoil.

A couple years ago, everything I’ve experienced in the past five to six weeks, really the past 3 months would have been and still would be the most detrimental experience of my life. If there is one thing I am sure of, it’s how passionate I am about Jesus Christ and his love and grace over the world and everything in it. Yet for some reason I do not desire to spend time with the father, I do not desire to know Jesus deeper, and I do not desire to be used by the holy spirit right now.

The place I’m at is at a loss for words.

How and why am I here in this dark place? I don’t want to struggle so hard that I’m unsure whether my faith is real. I keep reading David’s psalms about feeling like he is a in a deep dark pit and he cries out to God because God is faithful to answer our cries- no matter if he does answer and save according to his timing. It’s disgusting the way that I’m talking to God and how numb I am to the sin in my life the past few weeks. For me to share my journal is straight up my heart, I don’t play fake with God and I don’t think he would want me to. My journal from yesterday reads verbatim:

June 9
If I’m not seeking you, then I won’t be satisfied, at all. I’m not even satisfied now. Anywhere. I am not seeking you, and I don’t want to find you even if I could. Wherever you are, right in front of me, far from me. I don’t want to find you. I don’t want  know you and I don’t understand why. I feel so apathetic just in my whole life. I know you are real, and I know that you can satisfy, and I ask with so little faith when I do ask you to satisfy me and bring me from this pit. I do want to know you and be solely dependent on you, but then I don’t want you at all. I have so little faith when I ask you to help me. Little desire for you to use yourself and to give me a desire. I have, no desire. I am apathetic and going absolutely no where without you.
June 10
I give up. If you are going to save me and pull me from the place that I am in, you’ll do it. I’m not trying anymore.  I want to give up on you so bad right now. I need your help.

I don’t even know the root of my struggle and I’m hardly sure that, if someone put it in plain picture in front of my face for me to see exactly why I’m struggling and feeling so numb, would I recognize the problem? I feel like a veil has been brought over my eyes and some kind of rock placed around my heart. I’ve told my boyfriend and my friend Hope this, an analogy of how I feel like I’ve gotten here:

I’m standing on a high edge of a cliff next to my savior, so in love and so entwined into the depth of his mercy, grace, love, compassion, fierce jealousy for me and I am captivated just dying for more of him to know him to share him to be a part of him in this world, and then I have my adventurous side who always has to be curious. I look over the edge even though my sweet Lord tells me never to look from his face. Satan gets a second to make the edge look magnificent and for anything apart from God to look appealing. While he has me looking over the edge and away from my saving father, he ties one string to my finger. Not enough for me to realize this. Slowly, one-by-one, finger by finger he gets my whole hand tied, his scheme worked. He yanks and pulls me over the edge. I cry out to God to help me but I’m not even looking at him, I’m still looking down at the end of the edge. God hears my cry but I still am not looking to him and not trusting him to save me. And so I’m floating, in limbo, in the air however you want to call the in between, however you want to call the unknown and the push and pull between the desire and the hatred of both God on high and Satan on the prowl. 

I keep reading and re-reading David’s cry for deliverance. 2 Samuel 22. The whole thing, over and over. It speaks volumes for God’s passion for us. He comes down on a black cloud, smoke coming from his nostrils because he is hot with anger that ANYONE would mess with his children.
Dude doesn't mess around and I'm sure that no one else would with him coming down like so: "smoke went up from his nostrils, and a devouring fire from his mouth; glowing coals flamed forth from him. He bowed the heavens and came down, thick darkness was under his feet."
and he cares for Me. He cares that I’m here and the last thing he wants is for me to sit in this muck just because I have no faith for him to save me. I have to let go and let him come to my rescue, if I am rejecting him. What good will that do, he will come down like the bomb and I'll deny and reject him. Goodness I'm so much like Peter before he had the holy spirit. It's insane. At least there is hope for me to grow to be like Peter in Acts...

The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer;
My God, my rock, in whom I take refuge,
My shield and the horn of my salvation,
My stronghold and my refuge,
My savior, you save me from violence.
I call upon the Lord who is worthy to be praised,
And I am saved from my enemies. 2 Samuel 22: 2-4

I pray Deuteronomy 4:29-39 over EVERYONES life who is struggling in the same way that I am.

“and there you will serve gods of wood and stone, the work of human hands, that neither see, nor hear, nor eat, nor smell. But from there, you will seek the Lord your God and you will find him, if you search after him with all you heart and with all your soul. When you are in tribulation, and all these things come upon you I the latter days, you will return to the Lord your God and obey his voice. For the LORD your God is a merciful God, he will not leave you or destroy you.” v. 29-31

I know that there is hope and that God is not going to give up on me. For him to not come to my rescue is for him to be a liar because he promised that he is faithful. He PROMISED that he will deliver me out from this pit and I have faith in him and hope that I will see him clearly again. I have faith that I will be so close to my daddy again and be held in him again. I have faith that this isn’t the end of my picture or tiny story that this is only part of the story and that it is only a season. “A time to laugh, and a time to cry, a time to dance and a time to be still,” “let us have gladness for as many days as you have afflicted us.”

“ Satisfy me in the morning with your steadfast love that I may be glad all of my days.” Psalm 90

“For I will remove your heart of stone and I will give you a heart of flesh.” Ezekiel 36

“The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be silent.”
                                    Exodus 14:14