Monday, July 9, 2012
I will babble along to myself on here:
I write to remind myself of things that I want to remember, spiritually, physically, emotionally. I write to remember. I also write to inform, not that I have much worthy of informing others on. I am oh so beyond thinking I have knowledge beyond what others can sit and wait for their own revelation of. God is the God of waiting and the God of I believe sharing. He shared himself to us, Charis- gave himself. I believe he shares with us also moments of clarity, and chooses the most random moments to teach us things that we have heard forever but never chose to truly listen to.
Yesterday was a day of slow. I cleaned, I sat and read the hobbit, I read a book for leadership at church, I watched dirty dancing.....
I watched dirty dancing.
As I watched, I felt a longing in my heart for adventure, and the same story as she. I kept watching and it got deeper and deeper into my soul how much I longed for a man to love me, to treat me precious, to cherish me- and I him. I kept watching and I saw turmoil in them as they realized they could not be together forever. It ends with them having a last dance together. Who knows if the author decided if they would be together after the credits roll. Who knows if whatever they had lasted. But, is what they had truly love, truly cherishing, truly worth my time, or yours?
I came to find, after a while of sitting alone and wishing,
the answer is absolutely no.
We shave this world down to grains of sand hoping for something to fulfill and build us up to boulders, hills and mountains. As we sit shaving this world and digging into deeper pits, we become more lost, and further away from the one thing that fulfills.
leads to
I write to remind myself of things that I want to remember, spiritually, physically, emotionally. I write to remember. I also write to inform, not that I have much worthy of informing others on. I am oh so beyond thinking I have knowledge beyond what others can sit and wait for their own revelation of. God is the God of waiting and the God of I believe sharing. He shared himself to us, Charis- gave himself. I believe he shares with us also moments of clarity, and chooses the most random moments to teach us things that we have heard forever but never chose to truly listen to.
Yesterday was a day of slow. I cleaned, I sat and read the hobbit, I read a book for leadership at church, I watched dirty dancing.....
I watched dirty dancing.
As I watched, I felt a longing in my heart for adventure, and the same story as she. I kept watching and it got deeper and deeper into my soul how much I longed for a man to love me, to treat me precious, to cherish me- and I him. I kept watching and I saw turmoil in them as they realized they could not be together forever. It ends with them having a last dance together. Who knows if the author decided if they would be together after the credits roll. Who knows if whatever they had lasted. But, is what they had truly love, truly cherishing, truly worth my time, or yours?
I came to find, after a while of sitting alone and wishing,
the answer is absolutely no.
We shave this world down to grains of sand hoping for something to fulfill and build us up to boulders, hills and mountains. As we sit shaving this world and digging into deeper pits, we become more lost, and further away from the one thing that fulfills.
A mind that is set
on the things of the flesh
and this world,
leads to death.
And the mind that is set
on the things of the spirit,
is life and peace.
Romans 8:5
I have heard this verse, time and time again. It seems typical to put a verse such as this on a post about not dwelling on the things of this world. But if the spirit does it's work, as always. There will be something said about what we choose to dwell on, there will be those moments when we choose to walk away in our mind from the father who wants to protect us from this world and wants to keep us from walking into it, and becoming lost in the darkness of the emptiness. This is not to say that it is hopeless if we struggle with dwelling on things that do bring death. He has come to deliver us and to bring us out of our struggle and to bring us into life. We will fail, more than once, until the day we die. Praise Jesus that we are a redeemed people if we choose to trust in who he says he is.
I have come so that you may have life, and have it ABUNDANTLY.-Jesus
Go under his mercy.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
a voice
I look back on the past times when I came here to write the things I longed for people to see and a cry out of my soul. For someone to know me, for someone to pay attention and for someone to notice me dying for growth.
My heart grasped for strands of safety and I had an anchor wrapped around my entire body, a rope that could hold an entire building, a hope that could lift the entire world from it's misery.
But I chose to grasp at the strands instead.
We humans are so tiny and we fool ourselves into believing the biggest lie of all: that this life is about us even for a second. That it is about our comfort and us feeling at home, for us finding happiness, feeling hungry, looking cute, feeling attractive, finding a soul mate, feeling complete.
"Ask anything in my name and I will give you the desires of your heart."
He has said this, and Jesus does not lie. Nor does he believe we understand this to the fullest, and I don't think anyone will completely "get" this until we get to heaven and are COMPLETELY COMPLETE.
My desires, as hard as I let go and submit myself to the Lord, my flesh is always there combatting and fighting for my life. I have a thorn and that is the simple thing; the thorn of my flesh. It will not leave me... but neither will my Lord.
That is why this walk on earth is a battle, but the beauty of this battle is that it has already been won.
We know the ending, we have hope to be with our father and we have hope to see a day that is perfection and bliss and the cry of our soul now. Our dissatisfaction comes in being under this flesh and not completely glorified before the Lord and praising his name, that is when satisfaction to the fullest will be. I have nothing to fear, He has given to me all that I need and that is salvation. If I have anything to worry about, it is out of my flesh. Jesus is all that we need. ALL THAT WE NEED.
I long to be home, long to be with my Jesus, the love of my life.
The one who has walked through the fire of this past year with me and has wood me slowly into his arms, patient as I'll ever know patience and yet I still fall and still have my flesh beckoning.
My Jesus is my life, and I want everyone to know, want every ear to hear this beauty and this power and love.
This perfection and this...life.
There is nothing good apart from him, not in the world, not in any of us as humans. Our good is dirt if it is not for his glory.
My good is dirt, but I will bring my dirt, hold it out before him and bow low, hoping for even a glimpse of his glory over my nasty self.
How can I be a part of something so amazing? To stay here on this earth and make his name known? To see glory he created in each living thing! If only all of creation knew that this is his glory- to know him!
"I have redeemed you, I have called you by name. YOU ARE MINE"
how I long for all the beautiful faces I know that need to hear it...to just turn around and actually listen to the voice saying it, over and over again into their ears.
"I love you daughter/son, you are mine, I want to use you, I want you to know me, I want you to be a part of living true and abundant life, I want you to walk away from your flesh and live in a joy, walk in a peace, know a master and power. To believe is to be free. For if you have died, you have been set free from sin. I am your father who is JEALOUS for you. Be set free."
Beautiful people, constantly whispered to, by a beautiful, gracious, fierce and powerful LORD.
My heart grasped for strands of safety and I had an anchor wrapped around my entire body, a rope that could hold an entire building, a hope that could lift the entire world from it's misery.
But I chose to grasp at the strands instead.
We humans are so tiny and we fool ourselves into believing the biggest lie of all: that this life is about us even for a second. That it is about our comfort and us feeling at home, for us finding happiness, feeling hungry, looking cute, feeling attractive, finding a soul mate, feeling complete.
"Ask anything in my name and I will give you the desires of your heart."
He has said this, and Jesus does not lie. Nor does he believe we understand this to the fullest, and I don't think anyone will completely "get" this until we get to heaven and are COMPLETELY COMPLETE.
My desires, as hard as I let go and submit myself to the Lord, my flesh is always there combatting and fighting for my life. I have a thorn and that is the simple thing; the thorn of my flesh. It will not leave me... but neither will my Lord.
That is why this walk on earth is a battle, but the beauty of this battle is that it has already been won.
We know the ending, we have hope to be with our father and we have hope to see a day that is perfection and bliss and the cry of our soul now. Our dissatisfaction comes in being under this flesh and not completely glorified before the Lord and praising his name, that is when satisfaction to the fullest will be. I have nothing to fear, He has given to me all that I need and that is salvation. If I have anything to worry about, it is out of my flesh. Jesus is all that we need. ALL THAT WE NEED.
I long to be home, long to be with my Jesus, the love of my life.
The one who has walked through the fire of this past year with me and has wood me slowly into his arms, patient as I'll ever know patience and yet I still fall and still have my flesh beckoning.
My Jesus is my life, and I want everyone to know, want every ear to hear this beauty and this power and love.
This perfection and this...life.
There is nothing good apart from him, not in the world, not in any of us as humans. Our good is dirt if it is not for his glory.
My good is dirt, but I will bring my dirt, hold it out before him and bow low, hoping for even a glimpse of his glory over my nasty self.
How can I be a part of something so amazing? To stay here on this earth and make his name known? To see glory he created in each living thing! If only all of creation knew that this is his glory- to know him!
"I have redeemed you, I have called you by name. YOU ARE MINE"
how I long for all the beautiful faces I know that need to hear it...to just turn around and actually listen to the voice saying it, over and over again into their ears.
"I love you daughter/son, you are mine, I want to use you, I want you to know me, I want you to be a part of living true and abundant life, I want you to walk away from your flesh and live in a joy, walk in a peace, know a master and power. To believe is to be free. For if you have died, you have been set free from sin. I am your father who is JEALOUS for you. Be set free."
Beautiful people, constantly whispered to, by a beautiful, gracious, fierce and powerful LORD.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
what is fear...
dictionary termed fear: emotion stimulated through threat, extreme discomfort, unsafe feelings.
biblical termed fear: an unworthiness, knowledge of the holy, an extreme adoration, instant humility, awe inspired static.
an awe inspired static.
this term, i guess, created by me is something I never stopped to think about until I entered my house alone tonight.
I sit on couch with laptop in hand full of anxious thoughts and fleshly fears as I sit in this wooden floor cottage.
I am so full of my flesh that it wounds my soul. When I am alone, my flesh presses hard and Satan comes to attack even harder. I can feel it even before I enter a place alone, I can feel the overwhelming force of temptation push against me before I seclude myself into an empty yet surrounded and filled house. I have not done anything to be ashamed of tonight, not even spoken a word against someone in my mind. But I fear myself in my aloneness. Little I thought of the power inside that God has given to me.
My fleshly temptations are endless and powerful against me. But oh it is good to know that he is better, stronger, and so powerful that the fear that stimulates through emotion can quickly be eased when we lift our hands in submission and adoration at this life we are living. Tonight, I had to lift my hands in a literal sense and speak his power. Over me and over the space surrounding me. Not only did I feel it, but an immediate peace came over me.
Genesis 3:10 "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid because I was naked,so i hid"
is a perfect example of our flesh being exposed and our natural tendencies during those patterns. We not only run to hide in our sin, but we run because we are afraid and do not know where to turn. How beautiful if we step out of our tendency, stand before God and thank him that in our weakness, he is stronger.
under constant mercy in him.
biblical termed fear: an unworthiness, knowledge of the holy, an extreme adoration, instant humility, awe inspired static.
an awe inspired static.
this term, i guess, created by me is something I never stopped to think about until I entered my house alone tonight.
I sit on couch with laptop in hand full of anxious thoughts and fleshly fears as I sit in this wooden floor cottage.
I am so full of my flesh that it wounds my soul. When I am alone, my flesh presses hard and Satan comes to attack even harder. I can feel it even before I enter a place alone, I can feel the overwhelming force of temptation push against me before I seclude myself into an empty yet surrounded and filled house. I have not done anything to be ashamed of tonight, not even spoken a word against someone in my mind. But I fear myself in my aloneness. Little I thought of the power inside that God has given to me.
My fleshly temptations are endless and powerful against me. But oh it is good to know that he is better, stronger, and so powerful that the fear that stimulates through emotion can quickly be eased when we lift our hands in submission and adoration at this life we are living. Tonight, I had to lift my hands in a literal sense and speak his power. Over me and over the space surrounding me. Not only did I feel it, but an immediate peace came over me.
Genesis 3:10 "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid because I was naked,so i hid"
is a perfect example of our flesh being exposed and our natural tendencies during those patterns. We not only run to hide in our sin, but we run because we are afraid and do not know where to turn. How beautiful if we step out of our tendency, stand before God and thank him that in our weakness, he is stronger.
under constant mercy in him.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
undeserving
I only really blog when I feel I have a lot to say...
As of right now I do.
And I feel I will go crazy if I don't choose to say the millions of thoughts running through my mind right now.
The last time I talked about this, was way dramatic and almost out of line. Now I am writing it not only hoping that God will speak to others and use me, but also that he will speak to me through my own submission in coming before him, even if it is public- in one way or another.
"false belief: if all of my desires are fulfilled, I will be happy. This is not true. In fact it is these very desires and attachments that make me tense, frustrated, nervous, insecure, and fearful... Deep down in my heart, I know that that even after I get those desires, I will not get happiness."
This, is something i want engraved into my mind so deeply, that I don't doubt it with one step of my journey for the rest of my days. In my mindI believe that if my family is healed, I will be happy. This however is not the case. Nothing apart from God is good. There is no good apart from YOU GOD. ah, true peace lies in that. True peace lies in letting go of the unknown and the pain and the destruction and the constant eating away, and the constant beating of my flesh fighting the spirit.
insert from my journal: Who is good? NO, not one. Who is there to cast a stone? No, not even one. God the righteous, his son, came to die a sinners death so that he might redeem us of our sins, so that he WOULD redeem us. So that he could live through us."
Why would he choose any of us? ANY. HE MADE HIM WHO KNEW NO SIN TO BE SIN SO THAT WE MIGHT BECOME THE RIGHTEOUSNESS OF GOD. 2COR5:21 we should be realizing that THIS is the only blessing we could ever need. We have life, and then he gives us the option to have it abundantly. The option, he doesn't force it, but oh he smiles when we accept it. accept and believe the words he speaks.
and my little peafart brain thinksI deserve anything, but to proclaim the goodness and the glory of this father who didn't even have to create me. AH I AM SO undeserving.
Life is of no more than this: that i might have this treasure in a jar of clay(being myself) myself is of no worth, but this treasure that God has given to all who love him and choose to follow( HIS SPIRIT) his beautiful spirit, inside of me. I AM OF NO VALUE OTHER THAN THIS SPIRIT IN ME.
He makes beauty rise from the ashes, and when you are weak, HE is strong.
go under his mercy.
As of right now I do.
And I feel I will go crazy if I don't choose to say the millions of thoughts running through my mind right now.
The last time I talked about this, was way dramatic and almost out of line. Now I am writing it not only hoping that God will speak to others and use me, but also that he will speak to me through my own submission in coming before him, even if it is public- in one way or another.
"false belief: if all of my desires are fulfilled, I will be happy. This is not true. In fact it is these very desires and attachments that make me tense, frustrated, nervous, insecure, and fearful... Deep down in my heart, I know that that even after I get those desires, I will not get happiness."
This, is something i want engraved into my mind so deeply, that I don't doubt it with one step of my journey for the rest of my days. In my mind
insert from my journal: Who is good? NO, not one. Who is there to cast a stone? No, not even one. God the righteous, his son, came to die a sinners death so that he might redeem us of our sins, so that he WOULD redeem us. So that he could live through us."
Why would he choose any of us? ANY. HE MADE HIM WHO KNEW NO SIN TO BE SIN SO THAT WE MIGHT BECOME THE RIGHTEOUSNESS OF GOD. 2COR5:21 we should be realizing that THIS is the only blessing we could ever need. We have life, and then he gives us the option to have it abundantly. The option, he doesn't force it, but oh he smiles when we accept it. accept and believe the words he speaks.
and my little peafart brain thinks
Life is of no more than this: that i might have this treasure in a jar of clay(being myself) myself is of no worth, but this treasure that God has given to all who love him and choose to follow( HIS SPIRIT) his beautiful spirit, inside of me. I AM OF NO VALUE OTHER THAN THIS SPIRIT IN ME.
He makes beauty rise from the ashes, and when you are weak, HE is strong.
go under his mercy.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
brokenness..
a long time ago, when i was a little girl. there was song my mom would play, OVER and OVER again.to bunny trail for a second I can't believe the peace I have while writing, I can't believe the peace I've had for the past 24 hours, I am so thankful for the voice of the Lord speaking to me, grabbing me with all of his might, with all of his power. I can't believe that he would take the time to just even want me back. But he did.
my heart is pounding out of my chest right now in love for him. It's like butterflies but ten times more powerful, like a beating that rushes into my head and brain, an unexplainable peace in the midst of this storm. AH freaking Jeremiah 31:13-14, i just trust HIM to walk me through this. I just trust him to be the power that I can't be, and it's so overwhelming,
and it's so indescribable how I don't just feel him but know he is there fighting for me and for all the others in this pit, even my father. pulling me into his arms to protect me, and not only protect me but love on me and hold me closely to his heart, oh how i want other girls stuck in the same pit to just let go, and hear him and give into his gravitational pull.
by no means can any human say anything to get you out, BUT the beauty of God is that he works through to us in mysterious ways. If he uses a human to speak to us, it is certainly a beautiful thing...
How I can't thank him for just getting my attention. I can breath, anywhere that I am. He is giving me a breath, he is taking away the toxic air and healing me of my disease.
and I digress.... the song was called take my life. I've been thinking these past 24 hours about what I want this life to look like. A few times thought of the handsome man God will probably give me, selfish thoughts, things that are fleeting and of a broken spirit.. But CLEARLY I heard this as i was driving back from class. "Laura, accept singleness and cling to me. Cling to the power of me working through you and you giving your life away. Open your hands and you will see the power of my love grasping you and holding you in unimaginable ways. I am no man, and I am no human. I am GOD. "
the song goes like so:
take my heart, and mold it.
take my mind, transform it,
take my will, conform it. to yours, to yours OH LORD.
TO HIS WILL, HIS WILL BE DONE. I have been so foolish and selfish and blind to him grasping with reaching stretching arms. Why do we find it so necessary to ignore him in the midst of so much pain? HE iS SO BEAUTIFUL MY HEART IS BURSTING OUT OF MY CHEST. all of these pains and heartaches are nothing compared to the treasure of knowing him and learning of his love. I want everyone to know this love deeply and in a real way. I pray God you never let me forget, I pray for all the spirits in this world who cannot hear you and don't believe you are there. That they would have the blind ripped from their eyes and they would know your voice clearly as the sun. Touch them, give them a heart of flesh father.
Keep my eyes on you and my desires as yours.
my life is in your hands, surrendered to your will father.
surrendered to your love
I delight myself in the richest of fair,
trading all that i have, for all that is better
a garment of praise for my heaviness,
you are the greatest taste
and the richest of fair.
psalm 63.
my heart is pounding out of my chest right now in love for him. It's like butterflies but ten times more powerful, like a beating that rushes into my head and brain, an unexplainable peace in the midst of this storm. AH freaking Jeremiah 31:13-14, i just trust HIM to walk me through this. I just trust him to be the power that I can't be, and it's so overwhelming,
and it's so indescribable how I don't just feel him but know he is there fighting for me and for all the others in this pit, even my father. pulling me into his arms to protect me, and not only protect me but love on me and hold me closely to his heart, oh how i want other girls stuck in the same pit to just let go, and hear him and give into his gravitational pull.
by no means can any human say anything to get you out, BUT the beauty of God is that he works through to us in mysterious ways. If he uses a human to speak to us, it is certainly a beautiful thing...
How I can't thank him for just getting my attention. I can breath, anywhere that I am. He is giving me a breath, he is taking away the toxic air and healing me of my disease.
and I digress.... the song was called take my life. I've been thinking these past 24 hours about what I want this life to look like. A few times thought of the handsome man God will probably give me, selfish thoughts, things that are fleeting and of a broken spirit.. But CLEARLY I heard this as i was driving back from class. "Laura, accept singleness and cling to me. Cling to the power of me working through you and you giving your life away. Open your hands and you will see the power of my love grasping you and holding you in unimaginable ways. I am no man, and I am no human. I am GOD. "
the song goes like so:
take my heart, and mold it.
take my mind, transform it,
take my will, conform it. to yours, to yours OH LORD.
TO HIS WILL, HIS WILL BE DONE. I have been so foolish and selfish and blind to him grasping with reaching stretching arms. Why do we find it so necessary to ignore him in the midst of so much pain? HE iS SO BEAUTIFUL MY HEART IS BURSTING OUT OF MY CHEST. all of these pains and heartaches are nothing compared to the treasure of knowing him and learning of his love. I want everyone to know this love deeply and in a real way. I pray God you never let me forget, I pray for all the spirits in this world who cannot hear you and don't believe you are there. That they would have the blind ripped from their eyes and they would know your voice clearly as the sun. Touch them, give them a heart of flesh father.
Keep my eyes on you and my desires as yours.
my life is in your hands, surrendered to your will father.
surrendered to your love
I delight myself in the richest of fair,
trading all that i have, for all that is better
a garment of praise for my heaviness,
you are the greatest taste
and the richest of fair.
psalm 63.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
i don't know how...
i never thought something that could hurt so bad,
could make me feel so at peace.
i never thought that something I didn't want at all,
could create a lightness in my soul.
i hear you, i hear you.
i feel you, i want you.
it's good to know you're real.
it's good to know you love.
you love,
and you are teaching me.
what it means to be free.
could make me feel so at peace.
i never thought that something I didn't want at all,
could create a lightness in my soul.
i hear you, i hear you.
i feel you, i want you.
it's good to know you're real.
it's good to know you love.
you love,
and you are teaching me.
what it means to be free.
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