"for the wrath of GOD is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who by their unrighteousness suppress the truth. For what can be known about God is plain to them, because God has shown it to them." Romans 1:18
if this makes you question, confused or a little tense....please read this post.
This past Friday I was with a close friend of mine after work. We laid strung across a bed, sipping a margarita listening to quiet music off of her i-phone. She had recently had an extremely close friend of hers commit suicide. She dragged through stories, choked through memories, sat in silence for long periods of time. I watched her heart literally ache and beat out of herself. It was getting really late at this point, and her eyes were glossy.
This is where my questioning began....
I've been in a whirl of anger, depression, sadness, and hate at God.
Sounds scary when I actually type it out.
Since my boyfriend left for China it's been a pretty bumpy ride. Not necessarily because he has been gone, just because I've been thinking a lot more about faith and the point of being a believer and sharing what I believe-
Is it something that I would DIE to share with other people in the world?Do I believe that the people who don't know will go to hell? What does this say about God? Does this make God bad?
As I fell asleep, I argued with God-
"I don't want to believe in you if you would send someone who my friend loves so much to hell. You cannot be good if you would do this."
I heard him, "Laura, listen to me. I..." I would cut him off,
"No, I don't want to hear what you have to say, I want nothing to do with you.You are evil."
HOW SELFISH AM I? To try to wrap my brain around something that God never intended for us to understand. I re-read the way I spoke to God. I am so selfish, so unworthy to even think for a moment I ever deserved to be able to come to him in this tone, in this attitude without being struck down and abandoned.
He has answered this question with few things. First of all, how many times did God answer a question in the old testament with,
"I AM THAT I AM."
"Who are you oh man, to answer back to God? Will what is molded say to its molder, "Why have you made me like this?" Has the potter no right over the clay, to make out of the same lump, one vessel for honorable use and another for dishonorable use? What if God desiring to show his wrath and to make known his power has endured with much patience vessels of wrath prepared for destruction, in order to make known the riches of his glory for vessels of mercy, which he has prepared beforehand for glory." Romans 9:20-23
He is God and I try to make his love something human, or his plan understandable to me.
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways, my ways declares the Lord. For as high as the heavens are than the earth so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."
Is. 55:8-9
I could try to explain, I could try to understand but I am human, flesh, mortal, unholy.
The spirit in me is holy but there are things that God never intended for us to know, he wanted to remain a mystery.
I was thinking last night as I was falling asleep- the words we use for God, are human made, flesh full.
God is God and that is all that we can say; he is omnipresent, holy, healer, deliverer, redeemer, good, worthy of praise, to be glorified.
all those words are something man created, something that is a try at explaining who God is. He is beyond this- we make so little of his name and of his plan that we in our human minds think we have the ability to question it without God coming back with laughter.
I feel like I can hear him just chuckling at how hard I'm trying to make so little of him by trying to squish the infinite power of him into my finite brain...
This is only part of what I struggled with this week, and part of what I learned. But it is a lot. Enough to say this..
GOD IS...
